


Yon Ill Wind

by doodledinmypants



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Alcohol, Crack, Drinking, Farting, Gen, Humor, NOT a kink fic, but this is just solid silliness, i mean i suppose if you're into it anything can be a kink fic, just dudes being gross, masturbation mention, urination mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29227653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doodledinmypants/pseuds/doodledinmypants
Summary: Lupin, Jigen, and Goemon have a drunken farting contest. Fujiko gets involved. It's... not high literature, okay?
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	Yon Ill Wind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TabbieWolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TabbieWolf/gifts), [Chromosomefarm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chromosomefarm/gifts).



> TabbieWolf and Chromosomefarm had me up laughing my ass off with this idea last night, and it's completely asinine, but I wrote it anyway. Blame them. 
> 
> I am a NORMAL ADULT.

It was on one of those rare nights, when they were all in the same country for a job but didn’t have anything pressing the next day, that Lupin proposed the contest. 

“We’ve been drinking beer all night and farting anyway,” Lupin said, the barest hint of a slur in his voice despite being well past tipsy and deep into shit-faced. “All I’m saying is, we should see who can produce the _best_ fart.”

“Best based on what, though?” Jigen asked. He was slurring, too, but his hands were still steady. “Volume? Smell? Duration?”

“I made a rubric!” Lupin proudly held up a chart he’d doodled on a stained takeout napkin in ballpoint pen. “Points are awarded based on each category.”

“But who judges? If we judge each other, we’d just give one another low scores,” Jigen pointed out.

“Goemon can judge.”

“I refuse to participate in this foolishness.” Goemon wasn’t slurring at all, but his face was flushed and he was swaying slightly where he sat on the floor. 

“Hate to break it to you, Goe-chan, but you’ve _been_ participating,” Lupin giggled.

Goemon’s blush deepened. “It is a natural bodily function. It is ridiculous to use it in competition.”

“You don’t have to be part of the contest yourself,” Jigen wheedled, warming to the idea. “Just write down what you think is the fair score for ours.”

Goemon hummed thoughtfully. Lupin held out the napkin and pen with a hopeful grin. Finally, Goemon sighed and took them, studying the napkin. “I score one from each of you?”

“Better do best out of three, to be fair. Never know if the one you’re going to make next is a dud or a real room-emptier,” Lupin suggested. Jigen nodded sagely. 

It took awhile to actually produce enough farts between the two men for proper scoring, and by that point, Goemon had caught up with them in drinks and was more amicable to the idea of joining in the fun. They had to get another napkin, and then there was the inevitable issue: who would score Goemon?

“We’ll have to start over,” Lupin declared. “It’s the only way to be fair.”

“But we still don’t have an impartial judge,” Jigen said. 

“I can go get Fujiko—”

“NO!” Jigen and Goemon shouted simultaneously, then exchanged a sheepish look. 

“I don’t wanna involve her,” Jigen muttered.

“It would be impolite,” Goemon added, cheeks crimson. “I could not… _perform_ in such a way in front of her.”

Lupin laughed. “You haven’t been holding back around us!”

“That’s different!” 

“Look, why don’t we just judge the person to our right, and try to be fair about it, huh?” 

Jigen’s suggestion was met with grudging acceptance all around, so they tried that. After another half hour or so of farting, giggling, dramatically retching, and general carrying on, there came a knock at the door. 

“What are you boys doing in there?” Fujiko called. “It sounds like a college dorm party.”

Goemon immediately clenched so hard Jigen thought the samurai might pass out. Lupin perked up and scrambled to the door to let her in. As soon as she stepped foot over the threshold, however, a grimace tugged her lips into a flat line and she held her nose. “Oh my _god_. Crack a window or something!”

Goemon sprang up (a little less gracefully than he would have two hours ago) and went to open the window. Lupin gave her a dopey grin. 

“We’re having a contest!”

“A farting contest,” Jigen added helpfully. 

Goemon died a little inside.

“Well that explains it,” Fujiko muttered, waving a hand in front of her face. “What’s the prize?”

The three men exchanged glances, confused. Prize? “Bragging rights,” Lupin said with a shrug. “It’s only a fart contest.”

Fujiko scoffed. “Tsk. Any competition worth joining should have a prize. How about… the last beer?”

All eyes turned to the fridge. Sure enough, when Lupin went to check, there was only one bottle of beer left inside. “Whoa, good idea! Fujicakes, you’re amazing!”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” she huffed with a flip of her hair. “And how are you even judging it?”

“Just passing to the right.” 

Making another disappointed noise, Fujiko shook her head. “It’s amazing you three manage to do anything without me. All right, let’s do this. Sudden death. Final round. You each get one shot. I’ll judge.”

Jigen tried to protest, and Goemon looked increasingly ashen, but Lupin overruled them. “Done! All right, guys, time to give it your best!”

The thing about a farting contest, is it was generally a bad idea to force a fart. They had to wait around until a fart happened naturally. Jigen was first. “Oh! Here we go. Get ready!”

He braced his hands on his knees as he sat cross-legged on the floor and leaned forward with a look of intense concentration. After a moment, a chorus of shouts and groans erupted from the others. 

“Jigen, _ugh,_ that is _foul!”_

“I worry about your bowel health.”

“Whoooo, smells like something died up there! Silent but violent!” Lupin crowed, slapping his thigh, as delighted as he was disgusted. Jigen sat back with his arms crossed, smug.

“A solid six-point-five,” Fujiko declared after consulting the napkin rubric. “Full points on stench, also good on duration, but absolutely zilch in resonance.”

“Aww, come on!” Jigen grumbled. “That’s what ‘silent but deadly’ means, ya know.”

“Look, you guys came up with the scoring system, I’m just being fair.”

Lupin perked up suddenly. “Ooh! My turn!” 

Wriggling in place, he scrunched up his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. A toot like a very tiny elephant, or perhaps an untied balloon, squeaked out of him. It lasted a good ten seconds and ended in a satisfying flatulent rumble. The smell that followed was not as foul as Jigen’s but still enough to make even Goemon lean away. “How’s that, Fujicakes?”

“I’ll have to give that an eight-point-five,” Fujiko said. “You lost a little bit in stench, but a solid effort all around.”

“I’ll take it!” Lupin smirked at Jigen, who sneered back.

Several minutes passed. Goemon began to sweat. Everyone stared. Finally, he bowed his head in shame. “I forfeit.”

Jigen and Lupin groaned in protest, but Goemon just shook his head. “I cannot do it. With Fujiko here, nothing will come out. It is futile.”

“I’ve heard of performance anxiety, but…” Fujiko smacked Lupin over the head with a throw pillow. “Ow, hey!”

“It’s all right, Goemon. You’re just more of a gentleman than these two Neanderthals,” Fujiko assured him. Goemon’s blush reached concerning shades of scarlet. “However, I think I’m going to have to deny all three of you the prize.”

Before anyone could object, she leaned over daintily and let rip a thunderous noise that rattled the windowpanes with an odor that curled the wallpaper. Goemon’s hair blew back and Jigen had to grab onto his hat. 

Jigen gagged into his sleeve. “Jesus _Fuck_ , Fujiko! I’ve been chain-smoking since I was fifteen, and even _I_ could smell that!”

Goemon looked absolutely stricken. His hair was in a disarray and he was a little green around the edges.

Lupin applauded, eyes watering. “Brava, Fujicakes! Here, you’ve earned this.”

With a flourish, Lupin presented the last bottle of beer to her. She accepted graciously. “Why, thank you! It’s been fun, boys, but I think I’ll enjoy this in my room with a trashy movie.”

“Make sure you open a window so you don’t Dutch oven yourself,” Jigen called after her as she left, but the insult had no teeth. He was defeated.

Lupin fidgeted after she left, then got up and casually edged toward the bathroom. “Ahhh, well, that’s how it goes sometimes, huh? Who would’ve guessed she’d be the dark horse in this contest!”

“Hold on, Lupin,” Jigen growled. “You’re gonna spend the next five minutes taking a leak, and then another half hour beating off in there thinking about Fujiko, aren’t you?”

“Nnnnooooo~!” Lupin said, then dashed down the hallway. Jigen scrambled after him. Goemon stood more sedately and followed as well. 

“Perhaps we should have a… pissing contest next?” Goemon said. 

Jigen shoved Lupin behind him into Goemon, then slammed the bathroom door and locked it. He didn’t come out until the other two were forced to use the kitchen sink. 

They were too hungover the next morning to notice when Fujiko made off with Lupin’s plans for their next heist and the rest of their beer money.

_-end-_


End file.
